Sunday, March 28, 2010

That Voice in My Head

Credit to Ha Designs

A little over a year ago I saw the documentary Autistic-Like: Graham's Story.

I loved it, as I noted in my review.

But ever since then I have had this voice in my head. It sounds shockingly like the voice of the mom in the film. In it she says something to the effect of "Every day I feel like it is up to me to save his life. I am saving his life everyday" (paraphrasing, obviously). Now I am not Catholic. I am not Jewish. But apparently all I need is to be J-man's mom to be able to feel overwhelming guilt. (Note: I am sure that if that mother thought her voice was the Jewish-Mom-in-My-Head she would be horrified.)

I know I work hard to help him. I know I do. But when progress slows down, or stops... or when he changes for the worst, even temporarily, I feel like ... no, I KNOW... that I am not doing all I can do. In the film this mom goes all out. They have every conceivable intervention. They work tirelessly. I am near certain that she doesn't let her son veg out on TV while farting around on the Internet. We do that everyday.

And yet, the more I push the harder it gets. I yearn to just hang out with my boy, to ask him questions and have him answer. To show him things and capture his interest without maneuvering, manipulating, calculating, or guessing.

Can you tell we had a very hard weekend?


Crystal said...

I'm sorry you guys had a rough weekend, Pia. Sometimes it all comes together well, other times it goes to hell in a handbasket. Here's hoping for better days for you!

bethany said...

I know exactly how you feel-- like no matter how hard you try, going above and beyond, always being hopeful-- when things don't go well I feel like I failed.

Just had to pick up my son from school because he threw something at his para-pro, right in the face. The principal calls me and uses this judgemental tone like I had something to do with it!!


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