Thursday, July 5, 2012

Hello Anxiety...

...It's been awhile.  For a time, I pushed you back and out of the way.  Oh you'd pop in now and then and add your two cents,  like that nosey co-worker who just has to give you their unwanted opinion.  It happens.  But for awhile, it seemed like you were relegated to the back seat.  You didn't show up much, and you didn't stay long.  An unfortunate, but manageable, houseguest.

And now it appears you have brought two large suitcases and forwarded your mail to me.  You've moved in.  Awesome.

I worry.  A lot.

I worry if we made the right decision to change therapy centers. (I think we did)
I worry if we are going to be able to make this new schedule work for real. (I have my doubts)
I worry and worry about putting J-man into kindergarten this fall. That he will fail.  Or we (the adults) will fail him.

Our experience with the school thus far has not provided me with loads of confidence about this decision.  We met with school officials about a month ago to discuss his entry.  In essence, the special-ed director basically said... without actually saying it (cause that is illegal)... that she felt that he didn't belong there.  That his needs were too great and he would be better served elsewhere.  Of course, she met him once, for about an hour, and he behaved rather well I thought.  So I must say I am not sure where she is getting her information.  Or opinion.  And I am suspicious of the roots of the opinion:  are their concerns truly about J-man, or is there some other issue going on?

And do I want to put him in a school that doesn't want him?  Whether it be because they aren't up for the challenge or they don't want the hassle?  Regardless of their motives, the fact that this is the attitude has me in something of a spin.

I doubt everything.

And this is just fricken kindergarden!!

I envy other mothers who don't have these worries.  I envy parents who can just get the regular old jitters about starting school.  I would love to have those worries, because with those jitters comes some excitement I think.  And right now, I have no excitement about this.

Only dread.

But then, what is the other option?  I feel like there is no school home for him... not really.  Even if we wait a year... then what?  Same spot, different day.

Oh, Anxiety, go away.  You drank all the milk and used the last of the toilet paper without changing the roll.  You hog the TV and watch the Jersey Shore while picking your toenails.  You are not welcome anymore.  Get your nasty feet off my couch and go.


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