When ECFE Breaks My Heart, Part 2

(for Part 1, click here)

So, there I am, choked up, teary eyed and embarrassed beyond belief. I am not a huge fan of crying in public. In response to a question regarding how I knew something was "off" in Jonathan's development so early, I was explaining that... while everyone seemed to think I was nuts... my previous background in autism gave me some insight into the 'red flags', so I pursued assessment earlier than most. And then, the inevitable comment:

Lead Teacher (paraphrasing): OH, God meant for you to be Jonathan's mother! What a blessing for him!

Sigh.

I have heard comments like this before:

God picks only special parents to take care of these little angels...

I could never do what you do.... you have been chosen to a higher purpose.

God only gives people what they can handle, and you are meant to be his mommy.

These special little angels are sent here to teach us something.

Ok, let me explain something to any dear readers out there who do not have special needs or disabled children.

Don't say crap like this. EVER AGAIN.

Now, I think people are trying to say is that they think you are a good parent and they think that the child is lucky to have your support and love. Cool.

But this is what I hear:

Apparently, you believe that God has rewarded me for my education, training, and desire to help others by giving me a child with a disability so I can experience the sadness and anguish that causes. If I had just quit school and worked at Wall Mart I would have a "normal kid". And, of course, because YOU don't have all the fine virtues I have, you are safe from ever being 'blessed' to have such a special child. Also, only people who are good and educated and "capable" have disabled children, because God would never give an idiot a child like with a disability. It would seem that if you ever did have a child with a disability, you would give it up for adoption or leave it in the snow, since you could "never do what I do". And thank goodness God gave him to me to raise, because apparently all disabled kids are here to teach you how to be a better person.

Let me make this very clear. I am no different than you. Any parent .... ANY PARENT... could be in a similar situation at some point. You do what you must. You rise, or not, to the occasion. I do not believe God gives special needs kids like some kind of "gift". Frankly, that would just make me pissed off at God. Sometimes, shit just happens. God, or Allah or the Universe might be able to lend me a little strength, but I don't think our lives are like some massive chess game that is under some kind of master control. There are plenty of kids, special or otherwise, with crappy parents who shouldn't have children. That is just how the dice rolls.

I have no superpowers. There is no difference between you and me. You cannot construct some magical fate to separate my reality from yours. I am not chosen. I have and will continue to make mistakes. I may not be able to handle this. Do not assume I.... or any other parent of a special needs kid.... is ready, willing and able to handle this.

Our kids provide an opportunity. We can learn from them. But don't give them the JOB of teaching us. They have enough on their plate. Each of us has the opportunity to learn compassion, understanding, strength, courage, and justice from all the events of our lives. And maybe someone will learn some of those lessons by knowing Jonathan. But that is not his job. His job is to be Jonathan. To make the most of his life. And my job is to help him because I am his mommy and I take my job seriously.

Jonathan might have gotten lucky to have me as his mom. And I am lucky to be his mom. But we are as real as you. We could be you. And when you accept THAT, you will truly learn how to have compassion and understanding for us.

When ECFE Breaks My Heart, Part 1

Last week, I cried at ECFE.

In my defense, I had a long night at work the night before, was having some issues with back spasms the last few weeks and had taken a muscle relaxant (Evil Flexeril) the night before and thus had a very bad Flexeril hangover. (BTW, I hate Flexeril) In addition, the week had been long and somewhat stressful. We received Jonathan's re-evaluation from the school district, and while I am not going to go into the details today, needless to say there were many 'numbers' that made me sad. Not that he is doing poorly... actually, he is doing great! But to see how delayed he is in black and white...hard to feel good about it.

Ok, so I have had my issues with ECFE. But generally, it has been going well. However, when I walked into the parent classroom and saw the words "Language Development" written on the blackboard, I knew it was going be a quiet day for me. Since I was already feeling like ka-ka, "being quiet" wasn't going to be far from the mark anyway.

My resolve: Just keep my mouth shut. Do my best to fade into the woodwork. Find my happy place.

Yeah, right.

So, the question posed: what are your kids doing, saying, etc?

And let the brag-fest begin!

It seems petty to be jealous and upset about these things. But GEMM doesn't care. Her giant fiery head rears itself at time like these, and the throat closes, stomach acid churns, and I become an expert on the lines of my hands. Goooo to your happpyyy place..... happppy plaacee...

And then, the teacher turned to me and another 'special needs' parent and made a point of asking us what our little ones were doing. It is well known we are the 'special needs' parents, and J-man's issues are known. I was prepared. I had my script. I rattled off where we were, while aching inside because I knew... as it came out of my mouth... that it sounded bad. Real bad. But it is a script I am used to delivering and questions I had heard before. I could make it!

And then one mom asked me "And how are YOU doing with all this?"

Let the waterworks begin.

I just opened up my mouth and nothing came out. I truly didn't know what to say. No one asks me that. Not really. I just wasn't prepared. I honestly am not even sure what I said, I just teared up and mumbled something and who knows... I probably babbled. With my face in a tissue.

It just snuck up on me.

It is funny. Just when I feel like I have got it together, am working toward some level of acceptance... I find out it is just a lie I tell myself.

The Return of the Green-Eyed Monster Momma (aka GEMM)

Scene: ECFE Class, Friday

Characters: My alter-ego, Green-Eyed Monster Momma (GEMM), Jonathan, and our class of mommy-toddler dyads.

The Story: Every Friday we go to an Early Child Family Education class called Toddlers and Twos. It is a mommy-toddler class where we (the mommies) play with the kiddos for about the first half of class, and then“break away” for the second half for the ‘parent education’ portion.

I have to admit, I have a love/hate relationship with this class. The people are lovely, the kids are cute, and Jonathan needs the social interaction. And I think he enjoys it, the change of pace, the new toys, and even the activity from the other children. He especially seems to have a love/hate relationship with a little boy, ‘Al’. They watch each other and push each other’s buttons. It is really cute and really normal. On the other hand, the ‘parent class’ portion can be a little bit of torture. First of all, the class itself usually covers a topic that is well outside of Jonathan’s Zip Code. For example, the following: potty training (doesn’t know the concept), discipline and time outs (not even close), teaching about stranger danger (uh, really?), and how to encourage your child to help with chores. Seriously, never do I feel as disconnected and inadequate as a parent as when I listen to these moms talk about the things they are struggling with and managing to get their kiddos to do (Little Susie will put away her shoes and jacket, but I just can't get her to wash the dishes yet!).

Well, we hit an all time low.

Today, a mom in my class came in and started telling the following really cute story:

'So, 'Susie' has been peeing in the potty for about a month now ('Susie' is 22 months old, by the way). But ya know, she has never poo-pooed in the potty (yes, they use words like poo-poo). So this morning she told me she had to go potty, and while on the potty she had a bowel movement!! I was sooooo excited, but little 'Susie' was very upset because she wasn't expecting to have poo-poos. I said to her " you must have been very suprised". And she responded "Oh Mommy, I shockeded!". Isn't that just sooooo funny?!?!'

At this point, GEMM reared up her ugly, pissed off head and tried to crawl out of my body to tear this mom's eyes out. She didn't. I laughed along with everyone else, while trying to curtail the seething rage that GEMM was inspiring.

Not only is Little Susie potty trained.

Not only is she now poo-pooing in the potty.

But she is having conversations with her mother about her emotional reactions to poo-pooing in the potty.

Great.

I'm going home.

Pia