Monday, December 7, 2009

When ECFE Breaks My Heart, Part 1

Last week, I cried at ECFE.

In my defense, I had a long night at work the night before, was having some issues with back spasms the last few weeks and had taken a muscle relaxant (Evil Flexeril) the night before and thus had a very bad Flexeril hangover. (BTW, I hate Flexeril) In addition, the week had been long and somewhat stressful. We received Jonathan's re-evaluation from the school district, and while I am not going to go into the details today, needless to say there were many 'numbers' that made me sad. Not that he is doing poorly... actually, he is doing great! But to see how delayed he is in black and white...hard to feel good about it.

Ok, so I have had my issues with ECFE. But generally, it has been going well. However, when I walked into the parent classroom and saw the words "Language Development" written on the blackboard, I knew it was going be a quiet day for me. Since I was already feeling like ka-ka, "being quiet" wasn't going to be far from the mark anyway.

My resolve: Just keep my mouth shut. Do my best to fade into the woodwork. Find my happy place.

Yeah, right.

So, the question posed: what are your kids doing, saying, etc?

And let the brag-fest begin!

It seems petty to be jealous and upset about these things. But GEMM doesn't care. Her giant fiery head rears itself at time like these, and the throat closes, stomach acid churns, and I become an expert on the lines of my hands. Goooo to your happpyyy place..... happppy plaacee...

And then, the teacher turned to me and another 'special needs' parent and made a point of asking us what our little ones were doing. It is well known we are the 'special needs' parents, and J-man's issues are known. I was prepared. I had my script. I rattled off where we were, while aching inside because I knew... as it came out of my mouth... that it sounded bad. Real bad. But it is a script I am used to delivering and questions I had heard before. I could make it!

And then one mom asked me "And how are YOU doing with all this?"

Let the waterworks begin.

I just opened up my mouth and nothing came out. I truly didn't know what to say. No one asks me that. Not really. I just wasn't prepared. I honestly am not even sure what I said, I just teared up and mumbled something and who knows... I probably babbled. With my face in a tissue.

It just snuck up on me.

It is funny. Just when I feel like I have got it together, am working toward some level of acceptance... I find out it is just a lie I tell myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Up and down and up and down and on it goes.... xxx


View My Stats