A Letter to Myself and Others Like Me

You are not 'just the parent'.

It is easy to feel that way.  Like you are 'just the parent'.

In the beginning, you bought the books.  There are a lot of books.  Books about baby care, books about development.  Books about sleeping and eating and pooping.  Books about raising children.  And those books told you about normal.  About typical. You took some classes, joined some new parent groups.  You felt prepared.  Ready to take on the challenge of parenthood, to love and raise your beautiful child.  And you learned what you needed to learn.  How to change diapers, how to feed your child, how to soothe him. You were building your story together.

But then at some point you discovered you were not dealing with typical.  With 'normal'.

And the Fear and the Doubt set in.  You went out and found the experts.  Doctors, therapists, teachers, all well-educated, all professionals, and all very well meaning.  Experts.  And they are filled with Knowledge.  They know what to do.  They might suggest, imply that you don't.  That you can't, because you don't have their Knowledge.  You are 'just the parent'.   They'd take it from here.  Or maybe you feel you can't help.  The Fear and the Doubt have made you feel Powerless.

But I am here to tell you:   You are not 'just the parent'.

You are the Expert on your child!

You are!  You have been there from the beginning.  You know her smiles, his frowns, the things that bring her joy and what brings on his fear, sadness, or withdrawal.  You are keenly aware of her strengths and his challenges.  You are the keeper of her history and the foundation for his future.  You love, and because you love, you mean more to your child than any other professional can possibly mean. You must trust yourself.  Trust your instincts, that inner voice that calls to you. 

Now, you might need to read new books.  You might need to learn new skills, skills other parents don't have to learn.  You might need to parent a little differently.  Or a lot differently.  And the professionals you bring in to learn these new skills are there to serve you.  To foster your relationship.  To support you and your child, together.  The good, the very best professionals will do that. They will listen.  They will work with you.  They will hear what you have to say, and respect your opinion. You will be included. Cherish these people, because they are worth their weight in gold.

And don't let the others ... the ones to presume to know better than you... take away who you really are.

You are not 'just the parent'. 

You are the Expert on your child!

Battle Interuptis

I am exhausted and rocking a major headache, so I will give you all a brief low-down on our school district meeting and go to bed.

Essentially, here's what happened. The entire team (Birth to Three, Three to Five, and the Head Honcho) came to the house and we all sat around the table and pow-wowed. The Head Honcho came out strong and a wee-bit hard-assed, and if I was anyone but me I might have caved at that moment and laid down like a rug. She informed me, with a lot of academic high-flalootin programy wordage that they are not required to provide the same services during the summer, they are not held accountable to the Least Restrictive Environment requirement, and that what they have to offer is good enough. Now, this is not what I have read, or heard, and I have done some research....

I didn't cave. I am not sure I came out swinging, but I do believe I made my point clear: J-man greatly benefits from where he is, will not benefit from moving his services to that location, they cannot provide what he needs there, he does qualify and should be able to get services where he is at. I explained that while I understand they don't have the program he is in during the summer, they should. And that, given his unique needs and situation they should make an exception to the hardcore position they have, since what we are asking serves him best and the other option does not.

My hubby popped in and provided our united front, plus a steely eye and presence that says "we mean business". Plus a few well placed (yet polite) words.

She didn't cave.... exactly. What she said was that she would "look into" whether they could make an exception for J-man for the summer. She needed to "consult with others" and will get back to me "soon".

So where does this leave us? Not sure. I know that if they turn us down our next step is to go into mediation with the Department of Education. While we did not out-and-out say we would take it that far, I am fairly sure she got that vibe from us. And we would... in principle alone. However, I find it utterly amazing that we might have to go there.... for 3-4 visits over the summer??? Really??? Don't they have better way to spend their time? So, I am hoping that they can "work something out" so we really don't have to make a mountain out of molehill.

Link UPDATE: For those of you interested, this is a wonderful commentary: Into the Mainstream

On Meetings and Other Battles

So apparently I am going to become "that parent".

Let me start with the story, and then move on to the rant. It'll be a little more coherent that way.

A few weeks ago we met the J-man's new teacher and speech therapist from the school district. Over the next few weeks we are going to lose Ms Kristin (much to our deep sadness), and Ms Becky and Ms Jane will be working with him at his preschool. Of course, Ms Kristen has set the bar shockingly high, but I am going to remain hopeful that his new teachers will be as excellent.

During this initial meet-&-greet with the new folks, the subject of J-man's ESY (Extended School Year) eligibility came up. Essentially, ESY is summer school in 'special ed' language. And yes, the J-man qualifies. Apparently, however, they do not provide the community based services in the summer like he is getting now. The only way he can get any coverage of either speech or teaching is if we enroll him in their multi categorical classrooms.

Now, we have already addressed the issue of the multicat classrooms. We toured, we considered, and we rejected the idea. The reason he is enrolled at his current preschool is because we believe, strongly, that typical-developing peers are a tremendous benefit to our boy. He has been hugely successful in this environment, and the idea of putting him in an environment that is exclusively with other special needs kids (many of whom have significant behavioral and language issues) does not jive with our goals for him.

Now, the rant.

See, this all goes back to the idea of Least Restrictive Environments and Inclusion. In a nutshell, inclusion is the ideal in which all children learn together, regardless of disability or ability. According to Wrightslaw, the Individuals with Disabilities and Education Act states that the Least Restrictive Environment policy says that school districts are required to educate students with disabilities in regular classrooms with their non-disabled peers to the maximum extent possible.

Dan Habib eloquently deal with the issue of inclusion for his documentary Including Samuel.



I highly recommend this documentary (check out your local PBS station for viewings!)

Now, the issue of inclusion is a thorny one. I know this. Inclusion is difficult to start, requires lots of teacher training, good classroom supports, and a commitment from all involved to make it work. It isn't always easy. Another documentary series, Educating Peter (and later, Graduating Peter), highlights both the challenges and rewards of inclusion (another series I highly recommend).

I believe that whether or not inclusion is appropriate for a child is truly on a case-by-case basis. However, I also believe that.... done well... inclusion should absolutely be the goal for the vast majority of children. And for the J-man... well, this is a no-brainer. His current achievements in preschool, with appropriate support, is crystal clear. Hands down, inclusion is the only way to go. He needs typically developing peers. They help him learn. It is essential.

So now, we get to have a meeting with All-Powerful School District people to argue about getting him some summer service at Jack and Jill. Have I mentioned that we PAY for him to be in preschool... a lot of money...? And we are only talking about 3-5 one hour sessions over the summer to address issues and help him maintain skills?

Yeah.

So I get to be "that parent", and see if I can convince them that his least restrictive environment IS preschool, and they do have an obligation to continue his current programming. Wish me luck, because GEMM might have to peek out on this one.