Thursday, June 30, 2011

Pity Party, Table for One


Welcome to my Pity Party. 

Feel free to pull up a chair.  However it is BYOB (bring your own bitchin').

I have heard some people don't believe in pity parties.  Well, bully for you.  However, I am human and I feel the need to rage against the universe and bitch a bit.  So if this ain't your cup of tea, I will not be offended.  I'll just drink more wine.

And now... without further ado...  a list of Things I Hate (in no particular order of hated-ness)

*  I hate that when I am driving home with J-man from his new program, there is no conversation.  It is a long car ride and there is no response to "what did you do today?".  He can't tell me if he had fun, if he likes his teachers or other kids in the class.  There is just silence.  Except, of course, for the immediate request for ice cream that comes from the back.... "ie-eam!  ie-eam!!".  And that leads to....

*  I hate that I buy ice cream for J-man every day because he asks for it.  But it is the only thing he says.  So I can't seem to help myself.  And no doubt his future obesity will be my fault. 

* I hate that every stinking thing I read about feeding my kid makes me feel even more guilty, helpless and worthless as a parent. So thanks for that, a**hats!


*  I hate that J-man has such a narrow range of food interests and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.  And yes, you could say that I should just not give him anything but healthy food and he will eventually eat.  But you don't know J-man....  he very well might starve himself.  Seriously.

*  I hate that I have zero glimpse into the future for J-man.  None.  Not even the illusion of what the future will be for J-man.  Should we save for college?  No idea.  Should we plan on him living with us for the rest of his life?  Couldn't tell ya.  Will he ever have friends?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Will he even care?  I'm going to say yes, but can I even be sure of that?  The answer is no.

*  I hate that I have to fight to get J-man to even do basic crap... like brushing his teeth.  Or use the toilet.  Or ride a trike.  Or have a friend. 

*  I hate that my own illusions of human goodness have been shattered.  And not by Watergate, or the fact it seems like every male politician seems to have a problem keeping Mr Willy-Winky in his pants, or that Wall Street seems hell-bent on proving that they have zero ethics or morals at all.  While all these things definitely erode at one's confidence in humankind, I have found myself more personally violated by the events with the school district this last year.  That the people who are suppose to help don't.   That I can't trust the system that I should be able to trust.  That in the end we really are alone in all this. 

* I hate that nothing is ever normal and it appears it never will be. And yes, normal is boring.  I don't care. 

* I hate that everything is just so f*&%ing hard. 

10 comments:

Madmother said...

I will sit with you and even pour your wine.

I have been where you are, though, granted, my son was verbal. Too verbal.

It really sucks. And is hard, too fucking hard at times and yet we go on.

I would have loved for that crystal ball in our early years.

And I am not going to tell you it will get better because nobody knows that.

But it did for us. And it could for you. Because we felt the way you do back then.

J said...

Pia,

I'm sorry things are going the way they are for you. You are never alone; there are many people who celebrate with you when J-Man does something huge and those people also share in the hard moments. As far as the school system goes, it's sad. but I think it's the norm. I just finished school and it was a fight every step of the way, but I made it through because of my parents, therapists, and my own determination just as I'm sure J-Man will. Please know you are NEVER alone in your fight.

Jessica

http://www.illjustkeeprollingon.blogspot.com

KWombles said...

(((()))

Will's Mom said...

Pity Party well done Pia. Sometimes I think that not only is okay but good to put a voice to our disappointments and struggles.

I know I feel ripped off for not having a "normal" parenting experience. I didn't sign up for IEPs, short buses,20 different types of therapies along with therapists or random people asking what his diagnosis is as if they could wrap their heads around it.

And if I hear my father in law say he is hanging on to have a regular conversation with my son I may just put him out of his misery right there on the spot.

I may talk a good positive game (fake it until you make it, is my best motto) I can relate to your post on soooo many levels.

Allison said...

I will restate what the previous posters said... You are not alone. My 5 year old son is non verbal as well. Yes, it is a toss up what to hate most. I hate feeling like I am being judged and avoided because people are either to ignorant of the diagnosis or its just all too serious for them to deal with. On the good days I am so totally thankful that we don' t have serious behavior issues going on or seizures and that (FINALLY!) he is potty trained even if we do have to wipe his rear and insist that he goes. In short, I hear ya.

Pia said...

Wine all around! We will just have to take a cab home.

Thanks for the love, my peeps!

Niksmom said...

Pia, you are so not alone. The early years have been pretty effing brutal for us, too. Getting nik's speech devic has made a huge difference for us all. Taking him out of school and homeschooling for a couple of years helped a lot. So has putting hiim BACK in school. We didn't know then what we now know and we didn't have the kinds of supports we now have (even if it's just all of my friends who live inside my computer!). Sometimes, you just have to tread water where you are until the storms subside and you get a glimpse of land. Even if it's not the land you want to be on in the end...it's a place to start. Ok, now I'm rambling. What I really mean to say is you're not alone and thigns will change. Can't predict the HOW of it, but time has a funny way of making sure there's change. Liek madmother said, it could get better for you...it has for us, mostly. Cheers!

Rebecca said...

Thanks for the "whine" and the "wine." I think we've all been there. Yes, I try to put a good face on it, but sometimes is hard. Jacob is cycling through single words...word of the month...on (for everything). I'm starting to analyze my nine month old as well. He is also not babbling and doesn't wave or point. I'm a speech therapist for Pete's sake and my own kid is non verbal. God does have a since of humor. Anyway, that felt wonderful. Please pass the cheese...I don't hold my alcohol well.

Mich9 said...

For all those reasons, that is *exactly* why sometimes I hate ice cream. My boy will become obese because I feel compelled to give it to him when he asks, BECAUSE he is asking, because now he CAN ask. He couldn't before.

ferfischer said...

I just love this post - thank you for this! I hate lots of things too, similar things!

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