...and she makes me tired.
Jealousy is a tricky thing. Isn't envy one of the Seven Deadly Sins? I find myself envious of the strangest things lately. Certainly, hearing the Great Accomplishments of others' children can give me twinges. But I find... as the distance between my son and other children becomes even more pronounced... that has become even less of a problem. It sounds strange, but I have stopped comparing J-man to other kids. His path is so clearly NOT their path. As we wade through this uncharted landscape I have come to recognize that looking to them for clarity about my son's development is like reading a French cookbook to learn how to cook Chinese food. Can ya dig it?
No, Green Eyes emerge when I want to do the things that other mommies do, or the things I used to do myself, but can't figure out a way to do it. Oooohhh, I yearn for those days. I wish that J-man was just...easier. Not that he is HARD... he is lovely! But he needs. And needs. And needs more than his same-age peers. Not once in a while either. Everyday.
And lately, he needs it from me.
Daddy is an good substitute, but if mommy is around, no one else can possibly take over. It is flattering. And exhausting. This facet of his personality is relatively new. I've rationalized it as part of his newly-emerging language skills: He prefers me above all others because I actually understand him. I know his signs, his word attempts, and his non-verbal communication. Besides, I am his MOM.
So I miss out on some of the other fun non-mommy stuff.... hanging out with other parents while the kids play. Going out with the girls. Heck, even watching the occasional non-kid-oriented TV show. Straight out downtime. This is not new. In fact, it is quite old. However, it seems that the longer it goes on, the more aware of it I become. It is a subtle thing, this envy. I wish for simple things: casual conversations with other mommies while J-man plays with the other kids, not needing to hover around him to make sure he is safe... being normal.
Truly, these are small nuisances, and when you think of all of the sadness and tragedy in the world, it ain't no big thing. Still, GEMM can be self centered and bitchy, and her ever present voice still there... she is not who I want to be, but there she is anyway.
(note BB followers! I really did write this on Monday, but by the time I got home from work and got to a computer it was Tuesday at 12:18 am. Forgive me!)